To say that peer support is important, is an incredible understatement. In battling the decline of mental health and rise in suicide and substance abuse among our peers in the first responder and military communities, this is one of the most impactful things we can engage in. No matter how much we care, we are not helping anyone by hiding our own experiences and presenting ourselves as someone that cannot be relatable and empathetic to a person in crisis. This, by consequence, causes our peers to hide their struggles as well, especially during a time of crisis, when they absolutely must do the opposite and reach out. This is what true peer-support is designed to correct.
“I’M FINE.”
How many times have we uttered those words when someone asks us how we are doing? How many times have we tried to reach out to someone who might be struggling and received that response? I had someone once chide me, “You would tell me you are fine if your arm was falling off!” He was right. Whichever end of that conversation we have found ourselves, we know the response of “I’m fine.” is complete bulls***. So why do we continue this charade? It is especially frustrating when we are extending our hand to help another person. The response often seems like our hand is being swatted away. As if the other person would rather drown than open up and let us help. That is not exactly the case. But our ability to help those around us begins by demonstrating honesty and openness about our own character and experiences.
A sense of belonging.
It is a fundamental part of human nature to want to belong and feel accepted by others. If those around us seem to be doing well, we often feel like we need to be on their level of success – mental, physical, spiritual, financial, etc. – in order to feel accepted. Of course, this is not always a reflection of the true reality of the situation. It is very common, and often the case, that we welcome and show compassion to others who are struggling. It is more common than not to see human nature direct people to help others. Most people want to extend the hand and help others achieve their level of success, status, or well-being. But when we are going through difficult times, this is often overshadowed by feelings of guilt, shame, and pride. We want to belong. And if this means we must fake it till we make it and figure it out on our own, then so be it.
It is not extremely difficult to break this.
The truth of the matter is that everyone is struggling in their own way. To say otherwise is disingenuous. Even if we are doing well in the moment, we need to be open about our own struggles in the past. Not only will this make us more relatable to the people we are trying to help, but it shows honesty. It allows others to see an honest reflection of our character and experiences. We become someone relatable and empathetic. We become someone that can be trusted. We become a person or group that creates a natural sense of belonging. When we do this, any individual can fully understand and believe they are not alone. Suddenly that individual doesn’t have to hide their own struggles in order to feel that they belong. They are not alone in their experiences. They feel like they are amongst empathetic peers.
Historically, I was always a closed book. I would bottle everything up and throw it all in that proverbial “backpack.” I would give the standard “I’m fine” response even when it was clear to everyone else that I was anything but fine. Strength was viewed as my ability to get through it on my own, push forward on my own, and figure it out on my own. That was the worst approach to take. To put it frankly, that did not work out well for me. Yet almost every one of us operates just like that. It needs to change.
I have chosen to be open with people through much of my journey over the past few years. In the beginning I remember stating that I wasn’t just going to get through it all for me. I was doing this for anyone else that might be going through a hard time and then see me. So that they can one day say, “I saw what you did there. And because of you I didn’t give up. I found the strength to push forward and not give up.”
Jordan Peterson made this point in his book “Beyond Order – 12 More Rules for Life.” To paraphrase he said,
“Set reliability and strength in a crisis as a conscious goal so that the devastated people around you have someone to lean on and see as an example in the face of genuine trouble. That at the very least can make a bad situation much less dreadful than it might otherwise be. If you can observe someone rising above the catastrophe and loss and bitterness and despair, then you see evidence that such a response to catastrophe is possible. In consequence, you might mimic that. Even under dire circumstances. Courage and nobility in the face of tragedy is the reverse of the destructive, nihilistic cynicism that is often justified under just such circumstances.”
Peer support is not about having the answers. It’s about giving each other an opportunity to both speak and listen. It is about creating an environment where we can release all that has been bottled up. Where people can give advice from their own experiences. Where people can call others out if they see someone walking down an unhealthy path or being dishonest with themselves. It is a place where we can just listen; knowing that sometimes that is what a person needs most. Most importantly, it is a place to build that trust and those relationships. It is about developing the pillars of support that we can rely on when true crisis hits.
Once those relationships have been built, the most important purpose behind it all can be achieved. We now have the pillars of support used in a moment of crisis. Just as well, we have become a pillar for someone else. Our peer will now have someone they know they can reach out to when life becomes difficult. You may not even need to ask this person how they are doing. Often enough, they will reach out to you when they need it. And if they do not, you have put yourself in such a position to know when they need help and force a more honest response than “I’m fine.”
That one stutter-step in a fatal decision might be the knowledge that they actually have someone to reach out to. I have received that phone call. On more than one occasion. Not because I have the answers. But because I have tried to apply, in my life, the entirety of what I just wrote. This is how we start to make actual progress against the mental health crisis, substance abuse, and tragedies of suicide plaguing our community of first responders and military.
Be someone others can open up to. It is that simple.
If you are struggling, reach out.
Chesapeake Valor 